i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
