OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
