i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
