I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
