My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
