I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
