My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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