1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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