i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
