Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
