Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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