I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
