i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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