my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
