so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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