I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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