His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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