What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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