I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
