Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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