U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize