I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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