Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We left the knife in your bed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
