Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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