Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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