Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
