how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
