Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
