Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
false alarm, still single
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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