Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
