if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Less talking, more tequila
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
