Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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