Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
