I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
