Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
