do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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