my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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