sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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