My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
