Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
