i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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