The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize