holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize