bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
