im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
