dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
