smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did we literally take a cab across the street
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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