wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
bring money and cleavage
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
