I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
