forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
