just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize