thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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