My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
