You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
