there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
