I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
