tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
