Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
