Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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