Non-Jews are for practice
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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