final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
