Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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