Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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